He just appeared out of the blue again. Cant even remember why we ceased communication 3 years ago, but its nice hearing from him.
he is being flirty and I am being cordial. He says I've put a spell on him but I chalk that up to the fact that we were never intimate. I was with (with?....I know I know) Bumble then and I dont sleep around.
He wants to get together and I told him I am bringing a chaperone. I seriously doubt he would try anything....he was always a gentleman...but I am not taking any chances. Plus I dont want him getting the wrong idea.
I wasnt interested back then, I'm not now. But he was a good friend to me when I needed one.
I'm still in love with Ray. No matter how many dates I go on. No matter how many men flirt. I love him.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Christmas
Luna, Spike and I spent the afternoon in New Windsor with Dennis, Dali, Dano, Jorge, Yolie, and the kids.
Kim showed up to drop Derek off....I was polite.
I missed my dad so much this year. I hate that he never got to see Luna.
Neither Jason nor Hannah wanted to go. Jason I think just wanted avoid gossip and criticism. Hannah was probably still ngry with me. She's always angry with me.
At what point do you stop blaming others for your life and take responsibility for your own happiness?
It's just so sad. I love my daughter, but I am tired of paying for past mistakes. It's going to come to a head and I am going to have to make a decision to either smooth things over or let her go.
Luna asked for Bumble a few times yesterday. When we got home she ran to his pic and started telling him about her day.
Heartbreaking....
I'm back on Methyldopa. The dr is pushing again to have those cysts and or my ovaries removed. And I have to see a hand surgeon about the lump on my wrist.
I'm very tired.
Kim showed up to drop Derek off....I was polite.
I missed my dad so much this year. I hate that he never got to see Luna.
Neither Jason nor Hannah wanted to go. Jason I think just wanted avoid gossip and criticism. Hannah was probably still ngry with me. She's always angry with me.
At what point do you stop blaming others for your life and take responsibility for your own happiness?
It's just so sad. I love my daughter, but I am tired of paying for past mistakes. It's going to come to a head and I am going to have to make a decision to either smooth things over or let her go.
Luna asked for Bumble a few times yesterday. When we got home she ran to his pic and started telling him about her day.
Heartbreaking....
I'm back on Methyldopa. The dr is pushing again to have those cysts and or my ovaries removed. And I have to see a hand surgeon about the lump on my wrist.
I'm very tired.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
New Beginnings
Well I've given up on getting my computer fixed and getting my manuscript back......BUT! I've started writing again!
I changed a few character's names, decided to remove specific characters, and add newer ones. I've also decided on a different story arc for my main characters.
I am going to post some of the excerpts here to keep in case I have another system failure. Sigh...! I really hope I can get this published. If only some of those other publishers had kept a copy and mailed it back to me along with the rejection letter.
Either way I am starting over. In more ways than one.
I thought having Luna was the beginning of something beautiful, and it was but I feel there is something waiting for me....something wonderful in this book.
In other news...I dislocated my shoulder again. I cant explain how painful it was popping it back in. I've been in a bit of pain. Dr C is doing my follow up on Saturday. She'll probably prescribe more pain killers. yay!
Oh and its finally busy at work. Mike told me not to get used to it though. In January it's going to be slower than the Earth's rotation....groan!
Need to take a break right now. I've been so nauseous lately. My stomach seems to be really sensitive the past couple of days. Maybe its what I've been eating... and the commute combined?
I want some red wine!
I changed a few character's names, decided to remove specific characters, and add newer ones. I've also decided on a different story arc for my main characters.
I am going to post some of the excerpts here to keep in case I have another system failure. Sigh...! I really hope I can get this published. If only some of those other publishers had kept a copy and mailed it back to me along with the rejection letter.
Either way I am starting over. In more ways than one.
I thought having Luna was the beginning of something beautiful, and it was but I feel there is something waiting for me....something wonderful in this book.
In other news...I dislocated my shoulder again. I cant explain how painful it was popping it back in. I've been in a bit of pain. Dr C is doing my follow up on Saturday. She'll probably prescribe more pain killers. yay!
Oh and its finally busy at work. Mike told me not to get used to it though. In January it's going to be slower than the Earth's rotation....groan!
Need to take a break right now. I've been so nauseous lately. My stomach seems to be really sensitive the past couple of days. Maybe its what I've been eating... and the commute combined?
I want some red wine!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Unfulfillable Wishes...
I asked for a Pandora bracelet for Christmas. I probably wont get one, but its ok. I just feel naked after having sold my favorite one. Having a new job is great but it is going to take quite a while to replace everything that I sold, and that was stolen from me.
It's taking everything not to cry about it. I should be used to struggle and sacrifice. I had to sell my jewelry and boots to make sure Luna and Spike could eat. If they had gone hungry I would have died.
I hate asking for help. It makes me feel weak. I probably should have asked. But of course it never comes without its price.
Recently I cant even say what I would like without someone biting my head off, or making me feel guilty for it.
I do everything on my own. I take care of everyone. I cant even say what I wish now without feeling guilty for wanting it.
I had a nice birthday at least. It was a nice surprise.
I cant really tell anyone about it though. And I feel if I bring it up the memories wont be received with the same love with which I thought it was given.....
That makes me feel lonely, but there's this saying again: Some of the best memories are the ones you cant tell anyone about.
It's taking everything not to cry about it. I should be used to struggle and sacrifice. I had to sell my jewelry and boots to make sure Luna and Spike could eat. If they had gone hungry I would have died.
I hate asking for help. It makes me feel weak. I probably should have asked. But of course it never comes without its price.
Recently I cant even say what I would like without someone biting my head off, or making me feel guilty for it.
I do everything on my own. I take care of everyone. I cant even say what I wish now without feeling guilty for wanting it.
I had a nice birthday at least. It was a nice surprise.
I cant really tell anyone about it though. And I feel if I bring it up the memories wont be received with the same love with which I thought it was given.....
That makes me feel lonely, but there's this saying again: Some of the best memories are the ones you cant tell anyone about.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Dis-ENCHANTED
as most of you know I have been an avid reader, since I was very little. It was easy for me to get lost in the fantasy worlds created by my favourite authors.
One of the first worlds I discovered from a very young age was the Land of Oz created by L Frank Baum. The Wizard of Oz aired every Easter and maybe Thanksgiving, and was always a must watch in my home, when i was growing up.
When I was old enough to read, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was the second book that I read on my own. I mustve been 7 or 8 yrs old. Not too long after that I would beg my mom to take me to the Library to borrow more books and soon found that the author had written 15 books in total. I read them all within a month.
As I was growing up I was able to find other worlds to visit and lose myself within the pages of books by P.L.Travers, Roald Dahl, Madeleine L'Engle, J.R.R. Tolkien, Frank Herbert, C. S. Lewis, to name a few. They were some of the ones that helped me to escape the ghetto I was growing up in and live in a different place, where no one knew me and I could be anyone I wanted to be.
This morning as I was walking Dusty to his bus, he told me he was happy that he had chosen Boba Fett's costume to dress up in this yr. I asked why he liked the "bad guys" so much, as he isnt a naughty child, and rarely, if ever, misbehaves. He said that no one is good all the time and he believes the opposite is also true. He believes most villains are misunderstood.
Dustin has been reading alot the past two months and has chosen books such as Frankenstein, The Invisible Man, and most recently The Strange Case of Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. He likes looking at the other side of the coin, because he believes that people are inherently good and the ones that do bad are just retaliating for some wrong done against them.
Not that long ago i was introduced to an author that specializes in telling the other side. His name is Gregory Maguire. The first book that I read by this Devil's advocate, was "Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister" which portrays Cinderella as a spoiled little rich girl who takes on the role of scullery maid of her own accord.
Most recently I read "Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West". It was the most incredible book i'd ever read. I found myself doing something I rarely do....... I identified with the character Elphaba. She is the girl that ultimately becomes the Wicked witch of the West.
Hers is one of the most misunderstood characters of our time. She is essentially a good person who endeavors to do right by her beliefs. Never having really known compassion and caring for most of her life she is unsure how to give it and pushes away any and all people that love her.
I wont spoil it for you. You really should read it.
I suppose my point here is that in reading the book I became disillusioned. It turned beloved characters into fiends and pompous twits. It transformed my childhood fantasy of the land of Oz into a totalitarian society where no one was safe.
I no longer wish to visit the Emerald City, or explore the Deadly Desert, or set foot on the Yellow Brick Road. I refuse to watch that silly movie ever again. I never thought I would feel this way, but perhaps I have lost the very last of my childhood.
Tho I am a bit sad, I am also realising a change in myself. I used to be very cynical, even as a child, tho I loved my fantasy worlds, I knew they werent real and that when I closed the book, I was still going to be the same little girl I always was.
That isnt true anymore.
Elphaba was as real to me as any of you reading this now. She was a sad woman that met a sad end, and from reading her life story I think I know what I have to do to make myself better for me and the ones I love.
If this is what being disenchanted means for me then so be it. I'd rather live in this world than one of make believe. My world is magical enough for me without having to pretend I am someone else.
On the flip side......I HOPE beyond HOPE that Dustin never loses his innocence this way. I hope its a gradual thing that he is comfortable with, and not a blow to his mind like mine was...
One of the first worlds I discovered from a very young age was the Land of Oz created by L Frank Baum. The Wizard of Oz aired every Easter and maybe Thanksgiving, and was always a must watch in my home, when i was growing up.
When I was old enough to read, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was the second book that I read on my own. I mustve been 7 or 8 yrs old. Not too long after that I would beg my mom to take me to the Library to borrow more books and soon found that the author had written 15 books in total. I read them all within a month.
As I was growing up I was able to find other worlds to visit and lose myself within the pages of books by P.L.Travers, Roald Dahl, Madeleine L'Engle, J.R.R. Tolkien, Frank Herbert, C. S. Lewis, to name a few. They were some of the ones that helped me to escape the ghetto I was growing up in and live in a different place, where no one knew me and I could be anyone I wanted to be.
This morning as I was walking Dusty to his bus, he told me he was happy that he had chosen Boba Fett's costume to dress up in this yr. I asked why he liked the "bad guys" so much, as he isnt a naughty child, and rarely, if ever, misbehaves. He said that no one is good all the time and he believes the opposite is also true. He believes most villains are misunderstood.
Dustin has been reading alot the past two months and has chosen books such as Frankenstein, The Invisible Man, and most recently The Strange Case of Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde. He likes looking at the other side of the coin, because he believes that people are inherently good and the ones that do bad are just retaliating for some wrong done against them.
Not that long ago i was introduced to an author that specializes in telling the other side. His name is Gregory Maguire. The first book that I read by this Devil's advocate, was "Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister" which portrays Cinderella as a spoiled little rich girl who takes on the role of scullery maid of her own accord.
Most recently I read "Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West". It was the most incredible book i'd ever read. I found myself doing something I rarely do....... I identified with the character Elphaba. She is the girl that ultimately becomes the Wicked witch of the West.
Hers is one of the most misunderstood characters of our time. She is essentially a good person who endeavors to do right by her beliefs. Never having really known compassion and caring for most of her life she is unsure how to give it and pushes away any and all people that love her.
I wont spoil it for you. You really should read it.
I suppose my point here is that in reading the book I became disillusioned. It turned beloved characters into fiends and pompous twits. It transformed my childhood fantasy of the land of Oz into a totalitarian society where no one was safe.
I no longer wish to visit the Emerald City, or explore the Deadly Desert, or set foot on the Yellow Brick Road. I refuse to watch that silly movie ever again. I never thought I would feel this way, but perhaps I have lost the very last of my childhood.
Tho I am a bit sad, I am also realising a change in myself. I used to be very cynical, even as a child, tho I loved my fantasy worlds, I knew they werent real and that when I closed the book, I was still going to be the same little girl I always was.
That isnt true anymore.
Elphaba was as real to me as any of you reading this now. She was a sad woman that met a sad end, and from reading her life story I think I know what I have to do to make myself better for me and the ones I love.
If this is what being disenchanted means for me then so be it. I'd rather live in this world than one of make believe. My world is magical enough for me without having to pretend I am someone else.
On the flip side......I HOPE beyond HOPE that Dustin never loses his innocence this way. I hope its a gradual thing that he is comfortable with, and not a blow to his mind like mine was...
Thoughts???
o his mind like mine was...
Thoughts???
Thoughts???
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Jumper
You stand at the edge and you look down. The drop is soooo inviting.
Its almost as if its speaking to you. "Come on in...the water's fine."
And you want to take the plunge into the abyss.
Drink up the cool refreshing exit..
You teeter on the edge...teasingly. You totter back and forth, back and
forth. You feel the wind nudging you closer to the brink. You feel its
soft push.... It whispers to you "go on"
What harm could it do?
What is the worst that could happen?
You want it very badly....the finale...
You want to feel weightless and free
Jump!!
All obligation leaves you...
You are flying....And you spread your arms wide...welcoming the end..
Then there's nothing. No feelings of letting go. No feelings of relief.
Its just you and death. And you've earned it...
Its almost as if its speaking to you. "Come on in...the water's fine."
And you want to take the plunge into the abyss.
Drink up the cool refreshing exit..
You teeter on the edge...teasingly. You totter back and forth, back and
forth. You feel the wind nudging you closer to the brink. You feel its
soft push.... It whispers to you "go on"
What harm could it do?
What is the worst that could happen?
You want it very badly....the finale...
You want to feel weightless and free
Jump!!
All obligation leaves you...
You are flying....And you spread your arms wide...welcoming the end..
Then there's nothing. No feelings of letting go. No feelings of relief.
Its just you and death. And you've earned it...
What happens in Vegas....
Back from Vegas 2 weeks now. Glad I went and wishing I had not. I know .......I know!! I shouldn't be contradicting myself and confusing everyone in the process.
It was fun, interesting, enlightening, and sad, all at once.
I have lost so much for a weekend in Sin City. I am not as close to some of my friends anymore and closer to others than I thought I could be.
I have lost my best friend. I love Jason so very much but things will never be the same again. He confessed his feelings for me, and we ended up in bed together, but he said right afterward that he wanted to stay with Jo. He said he realized how much he'd always wanted to be in a relationship with me but never wanted to ruin the friendship. he was also leery because of my family. he never thought he'd love them as much as he does. So he wanted to keep me as his best friend and have Jo as his girlfriend. Well, way to make me feel used.
I honestly feel like he had an agenda. He packed condoms in NYC, under the pretense that he was hoping Jo would surprise him out there. So because she wasn't there I was the consolation prize? My heart is broken.
I mean I can have a one night stand be alright with it, but not with someone that I love so dearly. Its not so easy for me to push it aside. It just made all of my true feelings come to the surface. Maybe this is my karma? Who knows...
Its not at all true: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
“The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other” Ashleigh Brilliant
This thing with Jason has to resolve itself without me getting hurt anymore than I already am!
Fuck everyone! Seriously. I am sick of being the better person....the one who gets hurt and loses out on everything!!
I just want it over so I can be semi-normal again. I hate that some people are torn about this. And I hate it even more that some people are blase' about it! Like I am some sort of easy whore that is ok with being used for another's enjoyment!! Fuck you!! I am not a tramp! I am not here for you to use and throw away like an old dishrag!
"it wast just sex".......well not to me.......not with my best friend......not with a person I love....
"You're both adults! It happened, move on"..........easy for you to say. He didnt tell you he loved you very much and then decided he wanted to stay with his brand new girlfriend!
Why was I so easily forgotten? Why was I expendable? 20 years of friendship......1 month relationship......My scale is broken..........
I know it sounds like I am jealous. I dont expect anyone to understand. I just wanted him to tell the truth, so I wouldnt feel like I was just a meaningless roll in the hay. So I wouldnt feel betrayed..
We'll never be the same again.....not in a million years...
We'll never be as close as we were before....
And it seems like I am the only one who cares...
memories
I dreamed about him last night. Wonder what thats about. I havent really thought about him for a bit...
I know I am a grown woman....I know that I can make my own decisions. I know that it takes 2 to tango. I am fully aware and prepared to take responsibility for my part...
......I just didnt want to feel used...
"See the pretty girl in the mirror there...."
My doctor thinks I have body dysmorphic disorder. I know I am overweight and I can probably stand to lose about 50 lbs, but I am not high risk for anything that might go along with being obese or overweight. I cant tell you what other people see when they look at me but I can tell you that what I see is someone else. I never see what other people describe as beautiful. I see something plain and dull and misshapen.
I hate my smile, my eyes are crooked and uneven, my cheeks resemble st bernard jowells, and my skin is like a map of the desert.
But....I'm not depressed, and I'm not bulimic, or suicidal. I live with my "condition" every day and every day I find ways to like myself, regardless of my "condition" [faults?]...
I hate my smile, my eyes are crooked and uneven, my cheeks resemble st bernard jowells, and my skin is like a map of the desert.
But....I'm not depressed, and I'm not bulimic, or suicidal. I live with my "condition" every day and every day I find ways to like myself, regardless of my "condition" [faults?]...
"We create monsters and then we can't control them." ~ Joel Coen
Woke up from a bad dream....
It was one of those... where I change..... and I am in such emotional and physical pain, from the transformation. I usually welcome change, but lately it seems to be happening without notifying me first! Or asking permission....
I think I am in a dark place. I can feel something just beneath the surface... The rage inside is dying to get out.....
I feel it when I think of some[one]thing specific. I want to lash out. Like wanting to scream and feeling it just at the base of your throat... You let out a little whimper trying in vain to control the beast....
Bite it back and it snarls.
It swipes at you to intimidate... you flinch! But dont back down...
Stare it straight in the eyes and show it who is boss.....
And if you are lucky...this time you will be the alpha wolf and it will slink away back to its den, where it will wait for the next time. When you are weak again. When you wont want to defeat it, and that will be the perfect time to strike!
And the whole while, there is music.....
Beautiful music.
The soundtrack of your life.
Beautiful
and sorrowful...
but it soothes you...
It was one of those... where I change..... and I am in such emotional and physical pain, from the transformation. I usually welcome change, but lately it seems to be happening without notifying me first! Or asking permission....
I think I am in a dark place. I can feel something just beneath the surface... The rage inside is dying to get out.....
I feel it when I think of some[one]thing specific. I want to lash out. Like wanting to scream and feeling it just at the base of your throat... You let out a little whimper trying in vain to control the beast....
Bite it back and it snarls.
It swipes at you to intimidate... you flinch! But dont back down...
Stare it straight in the eyes and show it who is boss.....
And if you are lucky...this time you will be the alpha wolf and it will slink away back to its den, where it will wait for the next time. When you are weak again. When you wont want to defeat it, and that will be the perfect time to strike!
And the whole while, there is music.....
Beautiful music.
The soundtrack of your life.
Beautiful
and sorrowful...
but it soothes you...
One Last Puff....
memories of you slowly dissipate....
like smoke from my cigarette
everytime the asshes fall
another vision floats away
should I let them burn out slowly
in my ashtray with the cracks in it
or do I take a puff or two
and breathe in the last thoughts I'll have of you?
Inhaling turns you into the cancer in my lungs..
that I wont know about for some time.
Yet a constant reminder that you existed
that you existed, and are still here with me
always
like smoke from my cigarette
everytime the asshes fall
another vision floats away
should I let them burn out slowly
in my ashtray with the cracks in it
or do I take a puff or two
and breathe in the last thoughts I'll have of you?
Inhaling turns you into the cancer in my lungs..
that I wont know about for some time.
Yet a constant reminder that you existed
that you existed, and are still here with me
always
Old memories revisited....
I've found my old entries. I'm going to begin reposting them here. I dont have the dates so they are just going to appear on the time line when I post them, rather than dating them so they are where they once were.
I need to begin blogging the way I used to. There is so much I need to get out.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Change of plans...
I dont usually like to write about Rebecca here but she is really fucking persistent. I was supposed to meet with the lawyer tomorrow but she 'needs' me to go into the NY office to send some correspondence for her. Give me a break! I really want to get the ball rolling on this case.
Granted I am not looking forward to the initial response but it has to be done. I'm tired of being treated the way I have been. As much as I dont want to hurt anyone I know deep down this is something that has to get done.
I just hope this is the right thing to do.
Granted I am not looking forward to the initial response but it has to be done. I'm tired of being treated the way I have been. As much as I dont want to hurt anyone I know deep down this is something that has to get done.
I just hope this is the right thing to do.
No love for you.....
I never hold a grudge. I'm a little hurt that he got mad and didnt come because of our text conversation. It would have been an ideal time to have that conversation. We need to hash things out eventually. I think I know what he wants from me and I'm willing to give it now.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
What a day....
Rebecca hasnt sent me much work today so I am left to my own devices and of course what am I dwelling on? What else?
I had to take a sedative last night. my nerves were shot and my heart was racing and nothing was making me comfortable. '
I don't feel much better today. I feel so low. My head hurts and there is this hollowness in the pit of my stomach.
Luna's noticed. She's come to me a few times and asked me if I'm ok. She keeps asking for hugs and kisses. It's supposed to make me feel better right? My little girl is being compassionate and loving and I am struggling to reciprocate.
I know what everyone would say. I even know what he'd say, but no one really knows what would help. Only I can tell them what will help me.
No more heartache. I dont want to suffer anymore, but either one of us walking away at this point in time is not going to help me.
We tried that. It didnt seem to work.
I dont want him to walk away and I wont give up again. So I guess we're stuck.
I had to take a sedative last night. my nerves were shot and my heart was racing and nothing was making me comfortable. '
I don't feel much better today. I feel so low. My head hurts and there is this hollowness in the pit of my stomach.
Luna's noticed. She's come to me a few times and asked me if I'm ok. She keeps asking for hugs and kisses. It's supposed to make me feel better right? My little girl is being compassionate and loving and I am struggling to reciprocate.
I know what everyone would say. I even know what he'd say, but no one really knows what would help. Only I can tell them what will help me.
No more heartache. I dont want to suffer anymore, but either one of us walking away at this point in time is not going to help me.
We tried that. It didnt seem to work.
I dont want him to walk away and I wont give up again. So I guess we're stuck.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Forgive and forget...
Why do I feel like I'm being pushed away?
I dont know why he just wont talk to me. It hurts more than he'll ever know. Not even Luna could make me smile tonight, and that makes me feel 100 times worse.
I had to avoid skyping with Kevin and the girls tonight. The last thing I want is for him to see me upset and put two and two together.
There is such an awful pain inside right now, but if he walks away for good the pain will get worse.
I dont know what to do.
I dont know why he just wont talk to me. It hurts more than he'll ever know. Not even Luna could make me smile tonight, and that makes me feel 100 times worse.
I had to avoid skyping with Kevin and the girls tonight. The last thing I want is for him to see me upset and put two and two together.
There is such an awful pain inside right now, but if he walks away for good the pain will get worse.
I dont know what to do.
It's amazing how one person can affect your mood...
I don't like getting angry and I hate feeling hurt even more. I get the bare minimum that he can offer. He used to give me so much of his time and when things went downhill he disappeared. I cant stress how that broke my heart. I don't like thinking about it. It makes me cry all over again. To think about how I was alone and had no one to hold me and touch me during the pregnancy. It made me so physically ill that I was put on bed rest for awhile. I almost lost Luna.
But I keep forgiving. I cant help it. I see him and nothing else matters. I hold him and there is nothing more that I could ever want in the world.
But then he goes again and I am left alone and wanting more, and not just for me. For Luna too.
I used to think I was weak, but I let go. He is the one who came back. WHY?? I keep asking and not getting an answer. Why did he come back? Why does he come back? I just want to know that.
He asked me if I couldnt tell how he felt by his actions. Of course I cant. He told me he loved me and then he didnt anymore. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and then he came back. He told me he would never touch me again and he did. Of course I dont know. I am confused. I just want to know where we stand.
My heart keeps breaking a little more every day. He makes me so incredibly happy when we are together. And because he is the one who has taken up that space in my heart I cant think of letting anyone else in.
I have come so far from where I was. I dont want this to make me turn bitter again. I am trying so hard not allow this to happen.
But I keep forgiving. I cant help it. I see him and nothing else matters. I hold him and there is nothing more that I could ever want in the world.
But then he goes again and I am left alone and wanting more, and not just for me. For Luna too.
I used to think I was weak, but I let go. He is the one who came back. WHY?? I keep asking and not getting an answer. Why did he come back? Why does he come back? I just want to know that.
He asked me if I couldnt tell how he felt by his actions. Of course I cant. He told me he loved me and then he didnt anymore. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and then he came back. He told me he would never touch me again and he did. Of course I dont know. I am confused. I just want to know where we stand.
My heart keeps breaking a little more every day. He makes me so incredibly happy when we are together. And because he is the one who has taken up that space in my heart I cant think of letting anyone else in.
I have come so far from where I was. I dont want this to make me turn bitter again. I am trying so hard not allow this to happen.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Psychotic!
I have to vent for a moment. I am seriously getting sick of people. Everyone with "mental/emotional" problems need to chill the fuck out.
I swear these fucking psychopaths need to take a step back and take a look at yourselves.
The next person to piss me off is going to be sorry.
I swear these fucking psychopaths need to take a step back and take a look at yourselves.
The next person to piss me off is going to be sorry.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Friday, August 9, 2013
Fuck Sleep!!
Get some sleep he says. After he made me feel so terrible? I make the mistake all the time....mixing up texts. It's usually when I'm not wearing my specs.. I cant help it. Sometimes they come in so fast I think I am typing to one person and it turns out to be another. I apologize over and over again but I feel like an idiot.
Tonight I really needed him. He couldn't make it. I didn't think he'd say yes and I said so. I am entitled to my fucking opinions. Then I get a text from Dustin (finally) saying that he is sorry he hasn't called all week. I couldn't be angry with him. I mean I couldn't let him know I was angry. He's a forgetful teenager. I told him "It's ok, I'm used to it." Only I didn't say it to him. That of course starts a fight I had no energy for.
Mama was given the ok to go home by tomorrow morning, and this evening her BP spiked. So she's back in CCU and being monitored. She's 94 years old. How much more can her heart take??
I also hate when Spike is away. He's in another country for Christ's sake! I get very nervous until I know he is home.
Not only this but Damon called me yesterday to tell me that Daisy's cancer is back and that she will undergo surgery on the 19th.
What the fuck else can go wrong??
I didn't need his attitude tonight and then as usual he brushes me off when I apologize. Makes me feel so insignificant. I told him that. And that prompted another argument.
Fuck!!! I can't seem to do anything right.
He's the one who softened my heart, and tonight he's wounded it. I don't want to be hardened again.
He's the one who softened my heart, and tonight he's wounded it. I don't want to be hardened again.
Why the fuck can't he just say he is sorry, or tell me he loves me?? I would have felt much better. He never apologizes. I always do. Even when it wasn't my fault. I always feel like I've done something wrong.
He doesn't say he loves me because he does not love me. I know it. I'm not stupid. It doesn't matter because I love him enough for both of us. But.....I'm going to try not to say it anymore. I don't think he likes to hear it anyway. And I am tired of being an afterthought.
Sometimes I don't want to be with family. And I don't want my friends. I don't really want to be alone. I only want him.
How can I sleep when my heart feels this way?
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Where do I go from here?
Diana called and told me about a position opening up in her division for an administrative assistant. Its supposed to be decent pay and its close to a nice housing area. Next week Luna and I are going to visit her so that I can take a look at a house for rent. The pics were nice and it seems really roomy. I am just not that happy that the kids don't want to go with us. Jason might but I think he needs to begin his own life finally.
I really don't want to go but it's becoming apparent that I need to find something quickly. Luna is still small so it wont be so bad. But I will miss the kids.
I am hoping to see Bumble tomorrow night. The way Diana is pushing me I might not come back.
I need a change anyway, and with the bills piling up I just don't know what else to do.
If I cant come up with $300 by Monday, Con Ed is disconnecting us. I really haven't a clue where I am going to get that money. I have never been this destitute. I have always worked and lived comfortably and now its just getting worse. Even with Jason working we just cant seem to catch up, and Hannah starting the fight and then pulling her disappearing act it's hurt us even more.
I know it can happen to anyone but it's freaking me out. I don't have anyone to turn to. My sister keeps pressuring me to find Luna's father and hit him up for child support but I swore I'd never do that. I told her I don't know where he is.
I'm not taking him to court. It just isn't happening.
I really don't want to go but it's becoming apparent that I need to find something quickly. Luna is still small so it wont be so bad. But I will miss the kids.
I am hoping to see Bumble tomorrow night. The way Diana is pushing me I might not come back.
I need a change anyway, and with the bills piling up I just don't know what else to do.
If I cant come up with $300 by Monday, Con Ed is disconnecting us. I really haven't a clue where I am going to get that money. I have never been this destitute. I have always worked and lived comfortably and now its just getting worse. Even with Jason working we just cant seem to catch up, and Hannah starting the fight and then pulling her disappearing act it's hurt us even more.
I know it can happen to anyone but it's freaking me out. I don't have anyone to turn to. My sister keeps pressuring me to find Luna's father and hit him up for child support but I swore I'd never do that. I told her I don't know where he is.
I'm not taking him to court. It just isn't happening.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore....
I need to follow these bloggers so I can attempt these crafts:
http://ourfunlife.typepad.com/our_fun_life/tutorials/
http://www.hiddengardenflowers.com/my-blog.aspx
http://www.intotheether.net/index.php/2011/02/26/making-paper-flowers/
http://ourfunlife.typepad.com/our_fun_life/tutorials/
http://www.hiddengardenflowers.com/my-blog.aspx
http://www.intotheether.net/index.php/2011/02/26/making-paper-flowers/
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
In your arms I feel like I nothing else matters...
Bumble came over Sunday night (after some coaxing). He was wearing the GoT shirt I gave him for Christmas. I said "Nice shirt". He responded with "Someone special gave it to me"
He can always make me smile no matter what.
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He can always make me smile no matter what.
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Sunday, July 14, 2013
Look on the bright side.....
I am starting to forget that there is always a bright side to things....But I guess we have our health and thats enough.
Going to see a house today in Queens Village. I found quite a few listings for other places but they are either way to far from where I want to be or too close to places I want to stay far away from. Sigh.....
I hope I find something soon. I am starting to have anxiety attacks over this.
All my savings are gone. Hannah has not been paid yet and Jason wont get paid at the internship for 5 weeks. I dont know how I am going to survive the next few weeks....oh and my phone bill is due tomorrow.
We have plenty of food, but I need diapers, transportation money and my vacuum cleaner broke.
Sometimes I want to just pack up Luna and Spike and run away..
other times I want to die.
Going to see a house today in Queens Village. I found quite a few listings for other places but they are either way to far from where I want to be or too close to places I want to stay far away from. Sigh.....
I hope I find something soon. I am starting to have anxiety attacks over this.
All my savings are gone. Hannah has not been paid yet and Jason wont get paid at the internship for 5 weeks. I dont know how I am going to survive the next few weeks....oh and my phone bill is due tomorrow.
We have plenty of food, but I need diapers, transportation money and my vacuum cleaner broke.
Sometimes I want to just pack up Luna and Spike and run away..
other times I want to die.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I cant deal with much more
The apartment fell through. I am desperate so I might just take a place in Jamaica or Hollis. I am seriously going to break down over this whole situation.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
She works hard for ......what exactly???
I got a text tonight from a gentleman I interviewed with a few weeks ago. I thought he was contacting me about the position but it turns out he was interested in taking me out. He told me he'd been thinking about me and that he thinks I'm hot.
I dont know why this annoyed and offended me. Well, no...wait.... I do know why. He interviewed me for a position that I believe I would be good for, and I am now assuming that I was turned down. But this dummy wants to date me? I dont want a date. I want a job. I need a job.
I vented to Bumble. He said that it was kind of funny. "Too sexy to be hired"
When I asked if that was the vibe I was giving off he said "no but I guess it overwhelms"
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
He asked me if the guy was nice. Why? Trying to get rid of me? :( I mean who cares how nice he is? I am not at all interested.
It's so hard being in love with someone that doesn't feel the same.
I dont know why this annoyed and offended me. Well, no...wait.... I do know why. He interviewed me for a position that I believe I would be good for, and I am now assuming that I was turned down. But this dummy wants to date me? I dont want a date. I want a job. I need a job.
I vented to Bumble. He said that it was kind of funny. "Too sexy to be hired"
When I asked if that was the vibe I was giving off he said "no but I guess it overwhelms"
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
He asked me if the guy was nice. Why? Trying to get rid of me? :( I mean who cares how nice he is? I am not at all interested.
It's so hard being in love with someone that doesn't feel the same.
Toddler time....
My poor little angel is not feeling well. She has coxsackievirus. Its really taking its toll on her little body. Her doctor said she'd be feverish for at least five days. It's terrible.
She is sleeping on and off all day and sometimes she seems to be in good spirits, playing with her toys, but she isn't eating all that much. Dr H said 'to just make sure gets plenty of fluids though. She only wants milk and occassionally apple juice.
I am worried that she is losing weight but I guess it happens. I'm still getting used to having a toddler again. Some things I remember, but there are lots of things that catch me off guard.
She's been sleeping next to me the past four nights and it's becoming uncomfortable. I love having her next to me but she is going to have to go back to sleeping in the crib soon. Eventually she will have her own room and I'm afraid she'll be sneaking in with me every night anyway.
She's been picking up things very quickly and it's amazing how much she remembers. I think she may be ready for preschool by her birthday.
I am enjoying all of this. She's an angel and she makes me so happy. I wish her father could be here more. It's a shame that he misses so much :(
She is sleeping on and off all day and sometimes she seems to be in good spirits, playing with her toys, but she isn't eating all that much. Dr H said 'to just make sure gets plenty of fluids though. She only wants milk and occassionally apple juice.
I am worried that she is losing weight but I guess it happens. I'm still getting used to having a toddler again. Some things I remember, but there are lots of things that catch me off guard.
She's been sleeping next to me the past four nights and it's becoming uncomfortable. I love having her next to me but she is going to have to go back to sleeping in the crib soon. Eventually she will have her own room and I'm afraid she'll be sneaking in with me every night anyway.
She's been picking up things very quickly and it's amazing how much she remembers. I think she may be ready for preschool by her birthday.
I am enjoying all of this. She's an angel and she makes me so happy. I wish her father could be here more. It's a shame that he misses so much :(
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
"If I Give You My Love, Are You Gonna Give it Back?" ~ Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings
He's the one I think of when I wake up in the mornings. He's the one I pray for before bed. He is my last thought of the day and then again, the first thought when I wake up.
Being in hs arms makes me so happy, but I am happiest when he is with me and Luna.
I find myself thinking about his feelings though. I want him to be happy. I don't know how to let go. I don't want to let go. I want him always but sometimes I think he would be happier if we were gone from his life altogether.
I know that I would die inside, but I want him to be happy. It's so important to me. I only wish I were as important to him.
I feel like a stupid girl sometimes. Keeping a journal must seem incredibly juvenile but I need to get out how I feel and put it somewhere. There are little things I wish he'd do but I don't ask. There are things I want from him, but I never expect anything.
I miss the early morning texts. I miss him asking if he can come see me. I miss him telling me how beautiful he thinks I am. I miss him telling me he wishes he could keep me. I miss going out with him, anywhere. I miss his frequent visits.
I know I seem selfish, but I really do appreciate and cherish all of the time he is able to afford us. I just wish it was more like before. I want more but even if he could I don't think he'd give it.
I can't say these things to him. It seems to upset him, and that is the last thing I want to do. But I wish we had more of him. I wish he wanted more of us.
Still. I love him. With all of my heart. And if he wanted us gone I would do that for him. That's how I know this is true and unconditional.
Being in hs arms makes me so happy, but I am happiest when he is with me and Luna.
I find myself thinking about his feelings though. I want him to be happy. I don't know how to let go. I don't want to let go. I want him always but sometimes I think he would be happier if we were gone from his life altogether.
I know that I would die inside, but I want him to be happy. It's so important to me. I only wish I were as important to him.
I feel like a stupid girl sometimes. Keeping a journal must seem incredibly juvenile but I need to get out how I feel and put it somewhere. There are little things I wish he'd do but I don't ask. There are things I want from him, but I never expect anything.
I miss the early morning texts. I miss him asking if he can come see me. I miss him telling me how beautiful he thinks I am. I miss him telling me he wishes he could keep me. I miss going out with him, anywhere. I miss his frequent visits.
I know I seem selfish, but I really do appreciate and cherish all of the time he is able to afford us. I just wish it was more like before. I want more but even if he could I don't think he'd give it.
I can't say these things to him. It seems to upset him, and that is the last thing I want to do. But I wish we had more of him. I wish he wanted more of us.
Still. I love him. With all of my heart. And if he wanted us gone I would do that for him. That's how I know this is true and unconditional.
Number One Son
Yesterday Jason turned 24. It's so strange having a grown man for a son. When I look at him I still see a little boy.
I am blessed to have wonderful children. They are growing up too fast and I am not ready to let go. I guess it's a good thing I have Luna. ♥
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Tonight....
The moon is in its perigee and it is beautiful. It reminds me of Bumble.
Luna is asleep next to me right now. She's had a rough few days. Poor thing is getting over a cold and catching up on much needed sleep. I think we both might tonight if I can keep the nightmares at bay.
I'm not ready to talk about them..or write about them rather, just yet. `
My mom needs my help and I am not there to give it. It makes me so sad. I cant do anything, or commit to anything until I've moved. Sigh.....
On another note...Spike will be 15 on Tuesday. Seriously...where does the time go?
Luna is asleep next to me right now. She's had a rough few days. Poor thing is getting over a cold and catching up on much needed sleep. I think we both might tonight if I can keep the nightmares at bay.
I'm not ready to talk about them..or write about them rather, just yet. `
My mom needs my help and I am not there to give it. It makes me so sad. I cant do anything, or commit to anything until I've moved. Sigh.....
On another note...Spike will be 15 on Tuesday. Seriously...where does the time go?
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
"As strong as you were, tender you go." ~James Blunt
Last weeks visit left me achy and emotional. The thought of not being able to have any more children is scary and comforting at the same time. I never thought I'd be able to and now I have Luna. She's a miracle. There is almost a closure to this whole thing now. Its difficult to put into words. I am so grateful for her. She is wonderful and beautiful and I adore her. But....yes there it is.....But she wasnt supposed to be. How many tests? How many nights did I cry when they told me I would never have another? And yet, here she is. And now again they are telling me that my ovaries are not producing. And that they are so covered with cysts they should be removed because they are not working either way. Leave the cysts and they could become malignant. Not a tough choice there eh?
So I wont have anymore children. But Luna is here and she wasnt supposed to be. It is not exactly how I thought it would be though. I thought I'd be married. I thought, if there were ever another baby, that I'd be sharing all of the precious moments from conception to birth, and all of the wonderful things that come after. But I'm alone. I'm alone with her. And as much as I love her and love having her all to myself, it breaks my heart. She has her brothers and her sister, but she has no daddy to hug at night or to cry to when she falls down. Jason and Spike are great but it isnt the same. They are not her father. I was lucky. I had Ruben. He was a wonderful father, but I missed my dad. I missed being with him, and I wondered all of the time if he missed me too. I dont want Luna to wonder those things.
It isn't like she never sees him. He visits. He seems to want to be with her when he is here. So confused. It was around this time two years ago that he asked me to leave him alone. And I did. Then he reached out and wanted to talk. And we did. He told me he wouldnt be back. He told me we were not compatible. He said he didnt feel the way I do. I let him go. And I resolved myself to the fact that he was gone. And oh my how my heart broke. I thought that was it and that I would never see him again. But I didnt stop loving him. And then He came back in November asking me about my due date. I suppose it was genuine curiosity. I was confused and hurt and I was afraid, so I asked him why he wanted to know. Of course that seemed to piss him off too. But he asked me again and I caved, Because it was better to have him speaking to me than to feel the hurt of losing him. He came to visit her two days after she was born. On my birthday. It was the second best gift that I received.
I didnt think I'd see him again after that, but he came to see us in January. He brought her gifts. It was a lovely visit. He came again from time to time. It was sometime in April that we talked and he told me again he doesnt love me. It broke my heart but I let go. I let HIM go. I even started to date again. I dated but I was miserable. I didnt want to be with anyone else. I still dont. I cant help how I feel. I let him go but the feelings never died. I tried so hard to like other people. I went out and had fun, but there was nothing there. Every time someone tried to hold my hand or kiss me I felt nothing. There was nothing. No attraction. I only felt disloyal. Not only to him but to my own feelings. No matter how hard I tried I couldnt stop loving him. I still cant. My heart wont ever love another. These feelings havent gone away. My mother says they wont. She says when you find the one, you just know it. The heart wants what the heart wants. I'd rather be alone forever than to settle anyway. I spent too many years settling for people that I thought I was in love with.
It was June of last year that the flirting began again. I was confused and I ignored it. He said things that I was unsure of. I wanted to feel them. Does that sound stupid? I wanted to feel the flirting with him again. I wanted to feel him holding me, and kissing me like he did before. But I ignored the flirting because he told me he'd never go back to the thing that ruined his life. And why would he? He doesnt love me. But it happened. Right before I left for Florida last summer. We were in each others arms again and we were making love again. And I cant tell you how happy it makes me. To feel that way again. Just to be in his arms again. I dont even know how it happened. I kissed him, and he didnt turn away from me? All he said was "How do we stop this?" I said "We dont." I still love him. I never thought I would love anyone this much.
He doesnt even know that he helped me to love again. I was so broken. And he cared for me and told me he loved me and thanks to him I can love again. And then of course there is Luna. My beautiful Luna. It is because of him that I have her....and I am so grateful. But I am scared and conflicted and I dont know what to do. He says he doesnt love me the way I love him. But he still comes back. WHY??? Am I convenient? Am I too easy? Is it only for Luna? I'm caught in a catch 22. I want him so badly. I want to be able to show him how much he means to me and how much I love him, but he doesnt want me. I feel like every time he leaves it will be the last time I see him. So I try to make every visit wonderful. It's giving me nightmares....the thought of never seeing him again. We dont get to see him that often as it is, thanks to Tanya. I dont think I have ever hated another human being in my life. She tortures me still. I hate her so much.
I know he doesnt love me. It doesnt hurt as much as the thought of losing him for good. I love him enough for the both of us. I just want a chance. I want to show him how much I love him. I want a chance to try to make him happy. I dont expect to get that chance. I wanted him to be nice to me when I was pregnant. It didnt happen. I wanted him to come and hold me every time I was sick. And to be with me when I had Luna. That didnt happen either. But I didnt stop loving him.
I would settle for one day a week, for Luna and I to have him with us. One night for him to lay down and cuddle with us. One day to spend with him laughing and just being together. He's part of our family now...Luna's and mine. I try to make him feel that way. We're always going to be his girls.
I sense her apprehensions when he is with us. I know she is very small but there are times when she stares at him like she knows she is his. That he is her father. He tries so hard with her. I feel like its me all over again with my dad. Our visits were so few and far between that I was afraid to love him, but he didnt stop trying to bond with me and love me. I want Luna to have that.
I dont know what to do...I just want a chance. Thats all. I dont expect it, so I wont ever be disappointed but I wont stop yearning for it. I wont stop wishing that he were here. I've never had a real opportunity to show him how things can be.
You know what really hurts the most? I think even if he were to get divorced he wouldnt want me. Luna and I will always be a dirty secret. He'd never give us a chance.
So I wont have anymore children. But Luna is here and she wasnt supposed to be. It is not exactly how I thought it would be though. I thought I'd be married. I thought, if there were ever another baby, that I'd be sharing all of the precious moments from conception to birth, and all of the wonderful things that come after. But I'm alone. I'm alone with her. And as much as I love her and love having her all to myself, it breaks my heart. She has her brothers and her sister, but she has no daddy to hug at night or to cry to when she falls down. Jason and Spike are great but it isnt the same. They are not her father. I was lucky. I had Ruben. He was a wonderful father, but I missed my dad. I missed being with him, and I wondered all of the time if he missed me too. I dont want Luna to wonder those things.
It isn't like she never sees him. He visits. He seems to want to be with her when he is here. So confused. It was around this time two years ago that he asked me to leave him alone. And I did. Then he reached out and wanted to talk. And we did. He told me he wouldnt be back. He told me we were not compatible. He said he didnt feel the way I do. I let him go. And I resolved myself to the fact that he was gone. And oh my how my heart broke. I thought that was it and that I would never see him again. But I didnt stop loving him. And then He came back in November asking me about my due date. I suppose it was genuine curiosity. I was confused and hurt and I was afraid, so I asked him why he wanted to know. Of course that seemed to piss him off too. But he asked me again and I caved, Because it was better to have him speaking to me than to feel the hurt of losing him. He came to visit her two days after she was born. On my birthday. It was the second best gift that I received.
I didnt think I'd see him again after that, but he came to see us in January. He brought her gifts. It was a lovely visit. He came again from time to time. It was sometime in April that we talked and he told me again he doesnt love me. It broke my heart but I let go. I let HIM go. I even started to date again. I dated but I was miserable. I didnt want to be with anyone else. I still dont. I cant help how I feel. I let him go but the feelings never died. I tried so hard to like other people. I went out and had fun, but there was nothing there. Every time someone tried to hold my hand or kiss me I felt nothing. There was nothing. No attraction. I only felt disloyal. Not only to him but to my own feelings. No matter how hard I tried I couldnt stop loving him. I still cant. My heart wont ever love another. These feelings havent gone away. My mother says they wont. She says when you find the one, you just know it. The heart wants what the heart wants. I'd rather be alone forever than to settle anyway. I spent too many years settling for people that I thought I was in love with.
It was June of last year that the flirting began again. I was confused and I ignored it. He said things that I was unsure of. I wanted to feel them. Does that sound stupid? I wanted to feel the flirting with him again. I wanted to feel him holding me, and kissing me like he did before. But I ignored the flirting because he told me he'd never go back to the thing that ruined his life. And why would he? He doesnt love me. But it happened. Right before I left for Florida last summer. We were in each others arms again and we were making love again. And I cant tell you how happy it makes me. To feel that way again. Just to be in his arms again. I dont even know how it happened. I kissed him, and he didnt turn away from me? All he said was "How do we stop this?" I said "We dont." I still love him. I never thought I would love anyone this much.
He doesnt even know that he helped me to love again. I was so broken. And he cared for me and told me he loved me and thanks to him I can love again. And then of course there is Luna. My beautiful Luna. It is because of him that I have her....and I am so grateful. But I am scared and conflicted and I dont know what to do. He says he doesnt love me the way I love him. But he still comes back. WHY??? Am I convenient? Am I too easy? Is it only for Luna? I'm caught in a catch 22. I want him so badly. I want to be able to show him how much he means to me and how much I love him, but he doesnt want me. I feel like every time he leaves it will be the last time I see him. So I try to make every visit wonderful. It's giving me nightmares....the thought of never seeing him again. We dont get to see him that often as it is, thanks to Tanya. I dont think I have ever hated another human being in my life. She tortures me still. I hate her so much.
I know he doesnt love me. It doesnt hurt as much as the thought of losing him for good. I love him enough for the both of us. I just want a chance. I want to show him how much I love him. I want a chance to try to make him happy. I dont expect to get that chance. I wanted him to be nice to me when I was pregnant. It didnt happen. I wanted him to come and hold me every time I was sick. And to be with me when I had Luna. That didnt happen either. But I didnt stop loving him.
I would settle for one day a week, for Luna and I to have him with us. One night for him to lay down and cuddle with us. One day to spend with him laughing and just being together. He's part of our family now...Luna's and mine. I try to make him feel that way. We're always going to be his girls.
I sense her apprehensions when he is with us. I know she is very small but there are times when she stares at him like she knows she is his. That he is her father. He tries so hard with her. I feel like its me all over again with my dad. Our visits were so few and far between that I was afraid to love him, but he didnt stop trying to bond with me and love me. I want Luna to have that.
I dont know what to do...I just want a chance. Thats all. I dont expect it, so I wont ever be disappointed but I wont stop yearning for it. I wont stop wishing that he were here. I've never had a real opportunity to show him how things can be.
You know what really hurts the most? I think even if he were to get divorced he wouldnt want me. Luna and I will always be a dirty secret. He'd never give us a chance.
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