Change of plans...

I dont usually like to write about Rebecca here but she is really fucking persistent.  I was supposed to meet with the lawyer tomorrow but she 'needs' me to go into the NY office to send some correspondence for her.  Give me a break!  I really want to get the ball rolling on this case.

Granted I am not looking forward to the initial response but it has to be done.  I'm tired of being treated the way I have been.  As much as I dont want to hurt anyone I know deep down this is something that has to get done.

I just hope this is the right thing to do.

No love for you.....

I never hold a grudge.  I'm a little hurt that he got mad and didnt come because of our text conversation.  It would have been an ideal time to have that conversation.  We need to hash things out eventually.  I think I know what he wants from me and I'm willing to give it now.

Justice

I hate that it's come to this, but I am going to have to go to court.  :(

What a day....

Rebecca hasnt sent me much work today so I am left to my own devices and of course what am I dwelling on?  What else?

I had to take a sedative last night.  my nerves were shot and my heart was racing and nothing was making me comfortable.  '

I don't feel much better today.  I feel so low.  My head hurts and there is this hollowness in the pit of my stomach.

Luna's noticed. She's come to me a few times and asked me if I'm ok.  She keeps asking for hugs and kisses.  It's supposed to make me feel better right?  My little girl is being compassionate and loving and I am struggling to reciprocate.

I know what everyone would say.  I even know what he'd say, but no one really knows what would help.  Only I can tell them what will help me.

No more heartache.  I dont want to suffer anymore, but either one of us walking away at this point in time is not going to help me.

We tried that.  It didnt seem to work.

I dont want him to walk away and I wont give up again.  So I guess we're stuck.

Forgive and forget...

Why do I feel like I'm being pushed away?

I dont know why he just wont talk to me.  It hurts more than he'll ever know.  Not even Luna could make me smile tonight, and that makes me feel 100 times worse.

I had to avoid skyping with Kevin and the girls tonight.  The last thing I want is for him to see me upset and put two and two together.

There is such an awful pain inside right now, but if he walks away for good the pain will get worse.

I dont know what to do.

It's amazing how one person can affect your mood...

I don't like getting angry and I hate feeling hurt even more.  I get the bare minimum that he can offer.  He used to give me so much of his time and when things went downhill he disappeared.  I cant stress how that broke my heart.  I don't like thinking about it.  It makes me cry all over again.  To think about how I was alone and had no one to hold me and touch me during the pregnancy.  It made me so physically ill that I was put on bed rest for awhile.  I almost lost Luna.

But I keep forgiving.  I cant help it.  I see him and nothing else matters.  I hold him and there is nothing more that I could ever want in the world.

But then he goes again and I am left alone and wanting more, and not just for me.  For Luna too.

I used to think I was weak, but I let go.  He is the one who came back.  WHY??  I keep asking and not getting an answer.  Why did he come back?  Why does he come back?  I just want to know that.

He asked me if I couldnt tell how he felt by his actions.  Of course I cant.  He told me he loved me and then he didnt anymore.  He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and then he came back.  He told me he would never touch me again and he did.  Of course I dont know.  I am confused.  I just want to know where we stand.

My heart keeps breaking a little more every day.  He makes me so incredibly happy when we are together.  And because he is the one who has taken up that space in my heart I cant think of letting anyone else in.

I have come so far from where I was.  I dont want this to make me turn bitter again.  I am trying so hard not allow this to happen.