What happens in Vegas....

Back from Vegas 2 weeks now. Glad I went and wishing I had not. I know .......I know!! I shouldn't be contradicting myself and confusing everyone in the process.

It was fun, interesting, enlightening, and sad, all at once.

I have lost so much for a weekend in Sin City. I am not as close to some of my friends anymore and closer to others than I thought I could be. 

I have lost my best friend. I love Jason so very much but things will never be the same again. He confessed his feelings for me, and we ended up in bed together, but he said right afterward that he wanted to stay with Jo. He said he realized how much he'd always wanted to be in a relationship with me but never wanted to ruin the friendship. he was also leery because of my family. he never thought he'd love them as much as he does. So he wanted to keep me as his best friend and have Jo as his girlfriend. Well, way to make me feel used.

I honestly feel like he had an agenda. He packed condoms in NYC, under the pretense that he was hoping Jo would surprise him out there. So because she wasn't there I was the consolation prize? My heart is broken.

I mean I can have a one night stand be alright with it, but not with someone that I love so dearly. Its not so easy for me to push it aside. It just made all of my true feelings come to the surface. Maybe this is my karma? Who knows...

Its not at all true: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

“The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other” Ashleigh Brilliant

This thing with Jason has to resolve itself without me getting hurt anymore than I already am!

Fuck everyone! Seriously. I am sick of being the better person....the one who gets hurt and loses out on everything!!

I just want it over so I can be semi-normal again. I hate that some people are torn about this. And I hate it even more that some people are blase' about it! Like I am some sort of easy whore that is ok with being used for another's enjoyment!! Fuck you!! I am not a tramp! I am not here for you to use and throw away like an old dishrag!

"it wast just sex".......well not to me.......not with my best friend......not with a person I love....

"You're both adults! It happened, move on"..........easy for you to say. He didnt tell you he loved you very much and then decided he wanted to stay with his brand new girlfriend!



Why was I so easily forgotten? Why was I expendable? 20 years of friendship......1 month relationship......My scale is broken..........



I know it sounds like I am jealous. I dont expect anyone to understand. I just wanted him to tell the truth, so I wouldnt feel like I was just a meaningless roll in the hay.  So I wouldnt feel betrayed..

We'll never be the same again.....not in a million years...




We'll never be as close as we were before....





And it seems like I am the only one who cares...

 

memories

Found this in my email. Didnt even remember him sending it to me...




I dreamed about him last night. Wonder what thats about. I havent really thought about him for a bit...

    

I know I am a grown woman....I know that I can make my own decisions.  I know that it takes 2 to tango.  I am fully aware and prepared to take responsibility for my part...

......I just didnt want to feel used...