Where do I go from here?

Diana called and told me about a position opening up in her division for an administrative assistant.  Its supposed to be decent pay and its close to a nice housing area.  Next week Luna and I are going to visit her so that I can take a look at a house for rent.  The pics were nice and it seems really roomy.  I am just not that happy that the kids don't want to go with us.  Jason might but I think he needs to begin his own life finally.

I really don't want to go but it's becoming apparent that I need to find something quickly.   Luna is still small so it wont be so bad.  But I will miss the kids.

I am hoping to see Bumble tomorrow night.  The way Diana is pushing me I might not come back.

I need a change anyway, and with the bills piling up I just don't know what else to do.

If I cant come up with $300 by Monday, Con Ed is disconnecting us.  I really haven't a clue where I am going to get that money.  I have never been this destitute.  I have always worked and lived comfortably and now its just getting worse.  Even with Jason working we just cant seem to catch up, and Hannah starting the fight and then pulling her disappearing act it's hurt us even more.

I know it can happen to anyone but it's freaking me out.  I don't have anyone to turn to.  My sister keeps pressuring me to find Luna's father and hit him up for child support but I swore I'd never do that.  I told her I don't know where he is.

I'm not taking him to court.  It just isn't happening.

You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore....

I need to follow these bloggers so I can attempt these crafts:

http://ourfunlife.typepad.com/our_fun_life/tutorials/

http://www.hiddengardenflowers.com/my-blog.aspx

http://www.intotheether.net/index.php/2011/02/26/making-paper-flowers/

In your arms I feel like I nothing else matters...

Bumble came over Sunday night (after some coaxing).  He was wearing the GoT shirt I gave him for Christmas.  I said "Nice shirt".  He responded with "Someone special gave it to me"

He can always make me smile no matter what.

Look on the bright side.....

I am starting to forget that there is always a bright side to things....But I guess we have our health and thats enough.

Going to see a house today in Queens Village.  I found quite a few listings for other places but they are either way to far from where I want to be or too close to places I want to stay far away from.  Sigh.....

I hope I find something soon.  I am starting to have anxiety attacks over this.

All my savings are gone.  Hannah has not been paid yet and Jason wont get paid at the internship for 5 weeks.  I dont know how I am going to survive the next few weeks....oh and my phone bill is due tomorrow.

We have plenty of food, but I need diapers, transportation money and my vacuum cleaner broke.

Sometimes I want to just pack up Luna and Spike and run away..

other times I want to die.

I cant deal with much more

The apartment fell through.  I am desperate so I might just take a place in Jamaica or Hollis.  I am seriously going to break down over this whole situation.

She works hard for ......what exactly???

I got a text tonight from a gentleman I interviewed with a few weeks ago.  I thought he was contacting me about the position but it turns out he was interested in taking me out.  He told me he'd been thinking about me and that he thinks I'm hot.

I dont know why this annoyed and offended me.  Well, no...wait.... I do know why.  He interviewed me for a position that I believe I would be good for, and I am now assuming that I was turned down.  But this dummy wants to date me?  I dont want a date.  I want a job.  I need a job.

I vented to Bumble.  He said that it was kind of funny.  "Too sexy to be hired"

When I asked if that was the vibe I was giving off he said "no but I guess it overwhelms"

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

He asked me if the guy was nice.  Why?  Trying to get rid of me?  :(    I mean who cares how nice he is?  I am not at all interested.

It's so hard being in love with someone that doesn't feel the same.

Toddler time....

My poor little angel is not feeling well.  She has coxsackievirus.  Its really taking its toll on her little body.  Her doctor said she'd be feverish for at least five days.  It's terrible.

She is sleeping on and off all day and sometimes she seems to be in good spirits, playing with her toys, but she isn't eating all that much.  Dr H said 'to just make sure gets plenty of fluids though.  She only wants milk and occassionally apple juice.

I am worried that she is losing weight but I guess it happens.  I'm still getting used to having a toddler again.  Some things I remember, but there are lots of things that catch me off guard.

She's been sleeping next to me the past four nights and it's becoming uncomfortable.  I love having her next to me but she is going to have to go back to sleeping in the crib soon.  Eventually she will have her own room and I'm afraid she'll be sneaking in with me every night anyway.

She's been picking up things very quickly and it's amazing how much she remembers.  I think she may be ready for preschool by her birthday.

I am enjoying all of this.  She's an angel and she makes me so happy.  I wish her father could be here more.  It's a shame that he misses so much :(

"If I Give You My Love, Are You Gonna Give it Back?" ~ Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings

He's the one I think of when I wake up in the mornings. He's the one I pray for before bed.  He is my last thought of the day and then again, the first thought when I wake up.

Being in hs arms makes me so happy, but I am happiest when he is with me and Luna.

I find myself thinking about his feelings though.  I want him to be happy.  I don't know how to let go.  I don't want to let go.  I want him always but sometimes I think he would be happier if we were gone from his life altogether.

I know that I would die inside, but I want him to be happy.  It's so important to me.  I only wish I were as important to him.

I feel like a stupid girl sometimes.  Keeping a journal must seem incredibly juvenile but I need to get out how I feel and put it somewhere.  There are little things I wish he'd do but I don't ask.  There are things I want from him, but I never expect anything.

I miss the early morning texts.  I miss him asking if he can come see me.  I miss him telling me how beautiful he thinks I am.  I miss him telling me he wishes he could keep me.  I miss going out with him, anywhere.  I miss his frequent visits.

I know I seem selfish, but I really do appreciate and cherish all of the time he is able to afford us.  I just wish it was more like before.  I want more but even if he could I don't think he'd give it.

I can't say these things to him.  It seems to upset him, and that is the last thing I want to do.  But I wish we had more of him.  I wish he wanted more of us.

Still.  I love him.  With all of my heart.  And if he wanted us gone I would do that for him.  That's how I know this is true and unconditional.

Number One Son

Yesterday Jason turned 24.  It's so strange having a grown man for a son.  When I look at him I still see a little boy.  

I am blessed to have wonderful children.  They are growing up too fast and I am not ready to let go.  I guess it's a good thing I have Luna. ♥