"As strong as you were, tender you go." ~James Blunt

Last weeks visit left me achy and emotional. The thought of not being able to have any more children is scary and comforting at the same time. I never thought I'd be able to and now I have Luna. She's a miracle. There is almost a closure to this whole thing now. Its difficult to put into words. I am so grateful for her. She is wonderful and beautiful and I adore her. But....yes there it is.....But she wasnt supposed to be. How many tests? How many nights did I cry when they told me I would never have another? And yet, here she is. And now again they are telling me that my ovaries are not producing. And that they are so covered with cysts they should be removed because they are not working either way. Leave the cysts and they could become malignant. Not a tough choice there eh?

 So I wont have anymore children. But Luna is here and she wasnt supposed to be. It is not exactly how I thought it would be though. I thought I'd be married. I thought, if there were ever another baby, that I'd be sharing all of the precious moments from conception to birth, and all of the wonderful things that come after. But I'm alone. I'm alone with her. And as much as I love her and love having her all to myself, it breaks my heart. She has her brothers and her sister, but she has no daddy to hug at night or to cry to when she falls down. Jason and Spike are great but it isnt the same. They are not her father. I was lucky. I had Ruben. He was a wonderful father, but I missed my dad. I missed being with him, and I wondered all of the time if he missed me too. I dont want Luna to wonder those things.

 It isn't like she never sees him. He visits. He seems to want to be with her when he is here. So confused. It was around this time two years ago that he asked me to leave him alone. And I did. Then he reached out and wanted to talk. And we did. He told me he wouldnt be back. He told me we were not compatible. He said he didnt feel the way I do. I let him go. And I resolved myself to the fact that he was gone. And oh my how my heart broke. I thought that was it and that I would never see him again. But I didnt stop loving him. And then He came back in November asking me about my due date. I suppose it was genuine curiosity. I was confused and hurt and I was afraid, so I asked him why he wanted to know. Of course that seemed to piss him off too. But he asked me again and I caved, Because it was better to have him speaking to me than to feel the hurt of losing him. He came to visit her two days after she was born. On my birthday. It was the second best gift that I received.

 I didnt think I'd see him again after that, but he came to see us in January. He brought her gifts. It was a lovely visit. He came again from time to time. It was sometime in April that we talked and he told me again he doesnt love me. It broke my heart but I let go. I let HIM go. I even started to date again. I dated but I was miserable. I didnt want to be with anyone else. I still dont. I cant help how I feel. I let him go but the feelings never died. I tried so hard to like other people. I went out and had fun, but there was nothing there. Every time someone tried to hold my hand or kiss me I felt nothing. There was nothing. No attraction. I only felt disloyal. Not only to him but to my own feelings. No matter how hard I tried I couldnt stop loving him. I still cant. My heart wont ever love another. These feelings havent gone away. My mother says they wont. She says when you find the one, you just know it. The heart wants what the heart wants. I'd rather be alone forever than to settle anyway. I spent too many years settling for people that I thought I was in love with.

 It was June of last year that the flirting began again. I was confused and I ignored it. He said things that I was unsure of. I wanted to feel them. Does that sound stupid? I wanted to feel the flirting with him again. I wanted to feel him holding me, and kissing me like he did before. But I ignored the flirting because he told me he'd never go back to the thing that ruined his life. And why would he? He doesnt love me. But it happened. Right before I left for Florida last summer. We were in each others arms again and we were making love again. And I cant tell you how happy it makes me. To feel that way again. Just to be in his arms again. I dont even know how it happened. I kissed him, and he didnt turn away from me? All he said was "How do we stop this?" I said "We dont." I still love him. I never thought I would love anyone this much.

 He doesnt even know that he helped me to love again. I was so broken. And he cared for me and told me he loved me and thanks to him I can love again. And then of course there is Luna. My beautiful Luna. It is because of him that I have her....and I am so grateful. But I am scared and conflicted and I dont know what to do. He says he doesnt love me the way I love him. But he still comes back. WHY??? Am I convenient? Am I too easy? Is it only for Luna? I'm caught in a catch 22. I want him so badly. I want to be able to show him how much he means to me and how much I love him, but he doesnt want me. I feel like every time he leaves it will be the last time I see him. So I try to make every visit wonderful. It's giving me nightmares....the thought of never seeing him again. We dont get to see him that often as it is, thanks to Tanya. I dont think I have ever hated another human being in my life. She tortures me still. I hate her so much.

 I know he doesnt love me. It doesnt hurt as much as the thought of losing him for good. I love him enough for the both of us. I just want a chance. I want to show him how much I love him. I want a chance to try to make him happy. I dont expect to get that chance. I wanted him to be nice to me when I was pregnant. It didnt happen. I wanted him to come and hold me every time I was sick. And to be with me when I had Luna. That didnt happen either. But I didnt stop loving him.

 I would settle for one day a week, for Luna and I to have him with us. One night for him to lay down and cuddle with us. One day to spend with him laughing and just being together. He's part of our family now...Luna's and mine. I try to make him feel that way. We're always going to be his girls.

 I sense her apprehensions when he is with us. I know she is very small but there are times when she stares at him like she knows she is his. That he is her father. He tries so hard with her. I feel like its me all over again with my dad. Our visits were so few and far between that I was afraid to love him, but he didnt stop trying to bond with me and love me. I want Luna to have that.

 I dont know what to do...I just want a chance. Thats all. I dont expect it, so I wont ever be disappointed but I wont stop yearning for it. I wont stop wishing that he were here. I've never had a real opportunity to show him how things can be.

 You know what really hurts the most? I think even if he were to get divorced he wouldnt want me. Luna and I will always be a dirty secret. He'd never give us a chance.