"If I Give You My Love, Are You Gonna Give it Back?" ~ Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings

He's the one I think of when I wake up in the mornings. He's the one I pray for before bed.  He is my last thought of the day and then again, the first thought when I wake up.

Being in hs arms makes me so happy, but I am happiest when he is with me and Luna.

I find myself thinking about his feelings though.  I want him to be happy.  I don't know how to let go.  I don't want to let go.  I want him always but sometimes I think he would be happier if we were gone from his life altogether.

I know that I would die inside, but I want him to be happy.  It's so important to me.  I only wish I were as important to him.

I feel like a stupid girl sometimes.  Keeping a journal must seem incredibly juvenile but I need to get out how I feel and put it somewhere.  There are little things I wish he'd do but I don't ask.  There are things I want from him, but I never expect anything.

I miss the early morning texts.  I miss him asking if he can come see me.  I miss him telling me how beautiful he thinks I am.  I miss him telling me he wishes he could keep me.  I miss going out with him, anywhere.  I miss his frequent visits.

I know I seem selfish, but I really do appreciate and cherish all of the time he is able to afford us.  I just wish it was more like before.  I want more but even if he could I don't think he'd give it.

I can't say these things to him.  It seems to upset him, and that is the last thing I want to do.  But I wish we had more of him.  I wish he wanted more of us.

Still.  I love him.  With all of my heart.  And if he wanted us gone I would do that for him.  That's how I know this is true and unconditional.