I went against my better judgement and deleted all of my entries to appease Bumble. I find myself constantly giving and giving and never receiving anything. I truly do not expect anything from him or anyone, but it would have been nice to know that it was appreciated.
I made a simple request to see him and was denied. He begged me to leave him alone and never to contact him again. I still received messages from him asking why Kevin wanted to speak to him, and how he got his email address. Was I supposed to just comply and answer him like he hadn't just told me to get lost? Then all of a sudden a month later, he tells me he wants to see me, and that the things we'd discussed should have been said in person. Um, that's what I said in June. I cant tell you how aggravated I am. Too much at once.
Ruben passed away on Aug 4th. I cannot describe the feelings of guilt and grief that are consuming me. I haven't seen him in a year, and of course I am being punished by my family for this. No one is speaking to me. I just don't care what they think, but my own remorse is keeping sleep at bay. I have restless nights, and when I do sleep, I am plagued by bad dreams.
Hannah is not dealing with it so well either. She was very close to him. He loved her more than his own children. She has been a lot nicer to me the past few days, which I truly appreciate. We spent the entire weekend in bed watching LOST. That was nice. She doesn't usually like to hang out in my room. She says I always fall asleep. I made an effort not to this time.
Luna moves quite a bit when Hannah is around, and she finally felt her. She said it felt weird. She is fairly active in general, but especially when the Brood are near me. She is also pretty active when I have my prenatal exams, and when I speak with or think about Bumble. I cant wait for her to arrive. I have just over 3 months to go now.
I don't want to be alone in the delivery room, but I cant imagine who would go with me. I wish Bea lived closer. Or even Kevin. I think this is what is stressing me out most of all. I didn't have anyone to hold my hand with either of the boys. Bea was with me for Hannah's delivery. Jay was not the most comforting person, and I don't even know why Keith was not in the delivery room. I don't want to be alone again. Hannah doesn't want to be there, and there really isn't anyone else. I think this is making me depressed.
I am taking back my power and doing what I want. I am tired of being so nice and accommodating to everyone. I am tired of being made to feel like I am to blame for everything. This is not going to happen anymore. I will never believe another person that tells me they love me, unless it is one of my children.
I am going to look through my emails and see if I can find some of the links to my old entries and re-post them. If anyone reads them that wasn't meant to, that isn't my problem anymore.
