Fuck Sleep!!

Get some sleep he says.  After he made me feel so terrible?  I make the mistake all the time....mixing up texts.  It's usually when I'm not wearing my specs.. I cant help it.  Sometimes they come in so fast I think I am typing to one person and it turns out to be another.  I apologize over and over again but I feel like an idiot.

Tonight I really needed him.  He couldn't make it.  I didn't think he'd say yes and I said so.  I am entitled to my fucking opinions.  Then I get a text from Dustin (finally) saying that he is sorry he hasn't called all week.  I couldn't be angry with him.  I mean I couldn't let him know I was angry.  He's a forgetful teenager.  I told him "It's ok, I'm used to it." Only I didn't say it to him.  That of course starts a fight I had no energy for.

Mama was given the ok to go home by tomorrow morning, and this evening her BP spiked.  So she's back in CCU and being monitored.  She's 94 years old.  How much more can her heart take??

I also hate when Spike is away.  He's in another country for Christ's sake!  I get very nervous until I know he is home.

Not only this but Damon called me yesterday to tell me that Daisy's cancer is back and that she will undergo surgery on the 19th.  

What the fuck else can go wrong??  

I didn't need his attitude tonight and then as usual he brushes me off when I apologize.  Makes me feel so insignificant.  I told him that.  And that prompted another argument.

Fuck!!!  I can't seem to do anything right.

He's the one who softened my heart, and tonight he's wounded it.  I don't want to be hardened again.

Why the fuck can't he just say he is sorry, or tell me he loves me??  I would have felt much better.  He never apologizes.  I always do.  Even when it wasn't my fault.  I always feel like I've done something wrong.

He doesn't say he loves me because he does not love me.  I know it.  I'm not stupid.  It doesn't matter because I love him enough for both of us.  But.....I'm going to try not to say it anymore.  I don't think he likes to hear it anyway.  And I am tired of being an afterthought.

Sometimes I don't want to be with family.  And I don't want my friends.  I don't really want to be alone.  I only want him.   

How can I sleep when my heart feels this way?