I'm so tired.....

I'm tired of being an afterthought. 

You make me want to live

for you...

On Writing,,

It felt good to write last night.  After blogging something emo I usually can get out a whole chapter.

I feel accomplished today!

Mirena

Yes it was inserted....and then removed.  The NP that inserted it did a sloppy job and it was becoming painful.  I am going back next week to have it reinserted. 

What does this mean for me?  Well for up side is no more periods....though I hardly ever ger them anymore....but it will help with those cysts.  No more blood flow means no more growth and no more cramping.

It also means no unwanted pregnancies.  I can now relax when we are intimate.

It also means no more scrapings!  And no surgery!

Cant wait!

5

see

hear

smell

touch

taste

How can you mend a broken heart...?

sometimes it still hurts.  I look at your face and it still hurts.  But then you smile and I forgive you.

I understand why you did what you had to do.

I understand that you felt you needed to be selfish.

I understand why you walked away.....

....but it doesnt mean I liked it.

...it doesnt mean I had to accept it...

...it doesnt mean I was ok.

I wasnt!

My heart ached every day for you.

I cried for you every single night...

and I yearned for you during the day...

and nothing...

There was nothing from you.

And then you were here again..

and you were different...

and then you were the same...

and I never forgot how it felt when you were here before...

and I missed it so much I accepted your return.

You were here again.

And the only thing I wanted was for you to love me.

I didnt even want an apology....

I never got one anyway...

But you were here again...

and I was happy again..

but you still dont love me....

and my heart is still breaking for you...

even though you're here again.

Valentine's Day

Not even a text.  That makes me so sad.  I even text him late last night and nothing.

How hard is it to just say hello?

I'm sure he'd tell me to move on.  I dont know how.  And I dont want to go through the depression that I suffered when I was pregnant ever again.

What am I going to do?

Here comes the rain again....

Don't know how I am going to get through this weekend.

Almost out of pampers, wipes, and everything else.  Dont get a paycheck til next friday, and no one to drive us to BJs to pick up supplies.

I am really not complaining....we always make do, but I am tired of the struggle.  

Luna's growing so fast and I cant even afford to buy her new clothes or shoes.

I'll probably have to sell what little jewelry I have left, and more than likely whatever Fryes I have that are sellable.

Sometimes I wish Ruben was still here...he'd never allow us to go through this alone.  He always took care of all of us from the day he met mom.

Not fair, I know...We will be ok eventually, but when?  

More snow and more tears and more worry....and all with a smile on my face for my little Princess.

Life...

Things are getting increasingly difficult.  I may have to go to court after all.  I hate doing it but I cant survive like this anymore. 

I may also have to ask Hannah and Jason to start looking for their own places soon.  I just cant afford them anymore :(

On and on...

Ok....so I didnt quit....Just took a much needed mental break from this system.

Cant wait to go home to my Angel.  She is starting to miss me more when I'm not around.  It's hurting me :(  She cries for me and she wont say goodbye to me in the mornings.

I think we're going to read a new book tonight and then cuddle.

She's getting so smart.  She's been asking questions lately and sometimes I dont know how to answer.

The system is down.....the system is down...

thump thump thump thump

doodoodoo doo...doodoodoo doo...

EDI is running so sllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!  It's making it almost impossible to run my processes...

I quit.....I'm going home..!

First Contact

It was good being "unavailable" to everyone this weekend.  I needed time to regroup.  After being snowed in Friday I was ready to just be alone (other than having the Brood around of course) and just decompress.

My auctions ended and I sold 2 pairs of boots....shipped them this morning...

Folded laundry...cleaned my room...

Played with my Angel...read a lot of books....taught her to ask "whats the matter?"

Caught up on sleep....I really needed it...

Caught up on emails....had way too many..

Made a meatloaf...It wasnt that good :(

Wrote a first draft and character bios.....Needs more work...


I think I got my first message from Justine when I got into the office.  We caught up a little.  Seems we're both feeling a little off today.  I personally think its way too much coffee.  I always get ill around this time, and its usually from the caffeine.  Don't know why I always need so much help waking up at the beginning of the year.

Feeling a little jittery..

I cant wait to get home.  I think I'm going to have pasteles tonight..

George

Why the fuck is George coming around again.  We just don't get along.  It's worse than with Hank.  He is so set in his ways and doesn't like change.  I told him before I dont want to even entertain the idea of being with a person who will not bend. 

He seems to think if he wears me down I will concede.  I keep asking him to go away.  He seems very controlling and I dont want to feel trapped again.

Not to mention the biggest factors are Luna and my girls.  he is highly allergic to cats and hinted that I should get rid of them for "Luna's sake".  Then he kept whining about how Luna is small and he is concerned that we wont have any alone time.  Well what the fuck do you want me to do George?  get rid of her too?  Asshole. 

It's just not worth it and I want him to leave me alone!

New Year...

I signed on today to see that my total all time views are 1111.  I was a little taken aback.  It just feels so much like the story is starting to spill over into everyday life.  It's intriguing.

The number 1111 is usually associated with a doorway into the midworld.  The people inside, sometimes called the Midwayers, are supposed to be able to cross over to our world when someone notices the time on their digital clocks, watches, etc.

The Midwayers are vital to my character's progression from a frightened child to a fierce woman.

Its helping me in a way continue with my own journey.

I cant wait to see where it leads me.