In case you were wondering...

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Dis-ENCHANTED

as most of you know I have been an avid reader, since I was very little.  It was easy for me to get lost in the fantasy worlds created by my favourite authors. 

One of the first worlds I discovered from a very young age was the Land of Oz created by L Frank Baum.  The Wizard of Oz aired every Easter and maybe Thanksgiving, and was always a must watch in my home, when i was growing up. 

When I was old enough to read, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was the second book that I read on my own.  I mustve been 7 or 8 yrs old.  Not too long after that I would beg my mom to take me to the Library to borrow more books and soon found that the author had written 15 books in total.  I read them all within a month.

As I was growing up I was able to find other worlds to visit and lose myself within the pages of books by P.L.Travers, Roald Dahl, Madeleine L'Engle, J.R.R. Tolkien, Frank Herbert, C. S. Lewis, to name a few.   They were some of the ones that helped me to escape the ghetto I was growing up in and live in a different place, where no one knew me and I could be anyone I wanted to be.

This morning as I was walking Dusty to his bus, he told me he was happy that he had chosen Boba Fett's costume to dress up in this yr.  I asked why he liked the "bad guys" so much, as he isnt a naughty child, and rarely, if ever, misbehaves.  He said that no one is good all the time and he believes the opposite is also true.  He believes most villains are misunderstood.

Dustin has been reading alot the past two months and has chosen books such as Frankenstein, The Invisible Man, and most recently The Strange Case of Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde.  He likes looking at the other side of the coin, because he believes that people are inherently good and the ones that do bad are just retaliating for some wrong done against them.

Not that long ago i was introduced to an author that specializes in telling the other side.  His name is Gregory Maguire.  The first book that I read by this Devil's advocate, was "Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister" which portrays Cinderella as a spoiled little rich girl who takes on the role of scullery maid of her own accord.

Most recently I read "Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West".  It was the most incredible book i'd ever read.  I found myself doing something I rarely do....... I identified with the character Elphaba.  She is the girl that ultimately becomes the Wicked witch of the West.

Hers is one of the most misunderstood characters of our time.  She is essentially a good person who endeavors to do right by her beliefs.  Never having really known compassion and caring for most of her life she is unsure how to give it and pushes away any and all people that love her.  

I wont spoil it for you.  You really should read it.

I suppose my point here is that in reading the book I became disillusioned.  It turned beloved characters into fiends and pompous twits.  It transformed my childhood fantasy of the land of Oz into a totalitarian society where no one was safe.

I no longer wish to visit the Emerald City, or explore the Deadly Desert, or set foot on the Yellow Brick Road.  I refuse to watch that silly movie ever again.  I never thought I would feel this way, but perhaps I have lost the very last of my childhood.

Tho I am a bit sad, I am also realising a change in myself.  I used to be very cynical, even as a child, tho I loved my fantasy worlds, I knew they werent real and that when I closed the book, I was still going to be the same little girl I always was.

That isnt true anymore. 

Elphaba was as real to me as any of you reading this now.  She was a sad woman that met a sad end, and from reading her life story I think I know what I have to do to make myself better for me and the ones I love.

If this is what being disenchanted means for me then so be it.  I'd rather live in this world than one of make believe.  My world is magical enough for me without having to pretend I am someone else.

On the flip side......I HOPE beyond HOPE that Dustin never loses his innocence this way.  I hope its a gradual thing that he is comfortable with, and not a blow to his mind like mine was...

Thoughts???


 o his mind like mine was...

Thoughts???


Here we go again.......

Where do we go from here...?

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Jumper

You stand at the edge and you look down.  The drop is soooo inviting.

Its almost as if its speaking to you. "Come on in...the water's fine."

And you want to take the plunge into the abyss.

Drink up the cool refreshing exit..

You teeter on the edge...teasingly.  You totter back and forth, back and
forth.  You feel the wind nudging you closer to the brink.  You feel its
soft push.... It whispers to you "go on"

What harm could it do?

What is the worst that could happen?

You want it very badly....the finale...

You want to feel weightless and free

Jump!!

All obligation leaves you...

You are flying....And you spread your arms wide...welcoming the end..

Then there's nothing.  No feelings of letting go.  No feelings of relief.

Its just you and death.  And you've earned it...

What happens in Vegas....

















Back from Vegas 2 weeks now. Glad I went and wishing I had not. I know .......I know!! I shouldn't be contradicting myself and confusing everyone in the process.

It was fun, interesting, enlightening, and sad, all at once.

I have lost so much for a weekend in Sin City. I am not as close to some of my friends anymore and closer to others than I thought I could be. 

I have lost my best friend. I love Jason so very much but things will never be the same again. He confessed his feelings for me, and we ended up in bed together, but he said right afterward that he wanted to stay with Jo. He said he realized how much he'd always wanted to be in a relationship with me but never wanted to ruin the friendship. he was also leery because of my family. he never thought he'd love them as much as he does. So he wanted to keep me as his best friend and have Jo as his girlfriend. Well, way to make me feel used.

I honestly feel like he had an agenda. He packed condoms in NYC, under the pretense that he was hoping Jo would surprise him out there. So because she wasn't there I was the consolation prize? My heart is broken.

I mean I can have a one night stand be alright with it, but not with someone that I love so dearly. Its not so easy for me to push it aside. It just made all of my true feelings come to the surface. Maybe this is my karma? Who knows...

Its not at all true: what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.


“The difference between friendship and love is how much you can hurt each other” Ashleigh Brilliant




This thing with Jason has to resolve itself without me getting hurt anymore than I already am!

Fuck everyone! Seriously. I am sick of being the better person....the one who gets hurt and loses out on everything!!

I just want it over so I can be semi-normal again. I hate that some people are torn about this. And I hate it even more that some people are blase' about it! Like I am some sort of easy whore that is ok with being used for another's enjoyment!! Fuck you!! I am not a tramp! I am not here for you to use and throw away like an old dishrag!

"it wast just sex".......well not to me.......not with my best friend......not with a person I love....

"You're both adults! It happened, move on"..........easy for you to say. He didnt tell you he loved you very much and then decided he wanted to stay with his brand new girlfriend!



Why was I so easily forgotten? Why was I expendable? 20 years of friendship......1 month relationship......My scale is broken..........



I know it sounds like I am jealous. I dont expect anyone to understand. I just wanted him to tell the truth, so I wouldnt feel like I was just a meaningless roll in the hay.  So I wouldnt feel betrayed..

We'll never be the same again.....not in a million years...




We'll never be as close as we were before....





And it seems like I am the only one who cares...



 

memories

Found this in my email. Didnt even remember him sending it to me...




I dreamed about him last night. Wonder what thats about. I havent really thought about him for a bit...

    

I know I am a grown woman....I know that I can make my own decisions.  I know that it takes 2 to tango.  I am fully aware and prepared to take responsibility for my part...

......I just didnt want to feel used...

"See the pretty girl in the mirror there...."

My doctor thinks I have body dysmorphic disorder. I know I am overweight and I can probably stand to lose about 50 lbs, but I am not high risk for anything that might go along with being obese or overweight. I cant tell you what other people see when they look at me but I can tell you that what I see is someone else. I never see what other people describe as beautiful. I see something plain and dull and misshapen.




I hate my smile, my eyes are crooked and uneven, my cheeks resemble st bernard jowells, and my skin is like a map of the desert.

But....I'm not depressed, and I'm not bulimic, or suicidal. I live with my "condition" every day and every day I find ways to like myself, regardless of my "condition" [faults?]...


 


"We create monsters and then we can't control them." ~ Joel Coen

Woke up from a bad dream....

It was one of those... where I change..... and I am in such emotional and physical pain, from the transformation. I usually welcome change, but lately it seems to be happening without notifying me first! Or asking permission....

I think I am in a dark place. I can feel something just beneath the surface... The rage inside is dying to get out.....

I feel it when I think of some[one]thing specific. I want to lash out. Like wanting to scream and feeling it just at the base of your throat... You let out a little whimper trying in vain to control the beast....

Bite it back and it snarls. 

It swipes at you to intimidate... you flinch! But dont back down...

Stare it straight in the eyes and show it who is boss.....

And if you are lucky...this time you will be the alpha wolf and it will slink away back to its den, where it will wait for the next time. When you are weak again. When you wont want to defeat it, and that will be the perfect time to strike!



And the whole while, there is music.....

Beautiful music.

The soundtrack of your life.

Beautiful

and sorrowful...

but it soothes you...
 

One Last Puff....


memories of you slowly dissipate....
like smoke from my cigarette
everytime the asshes fall
another vision floats away

should I let them burn out slowly
in my ashtray with the cracks in it
or do I take a puff or two
and breathe in the last thoughts I'll have of you?

Inhaling turns you into the cancer in my lungs..
that I wont know about for some time.
Yet a constant reminder that you existed
that you existed, and are still here with me
always

Old memories revisited....

I've found my old entries.  I'm going to begin reposting them here.  I dont have the dates so they are just going to appear on the time line when I post them, rather than dating them so they are where they once were.

I need to begin blogging the way I used to.  There is so much I need to get out.